I mean I do that daily with Instagram, but the caption limit of Instagram cannot contain what I currently feel. I will not use anyone's name in this due to- just no. No names. Names are unnecessary.
I am in my second semester of college. I live on campus, which is 2 hours (give or take) from home. I am in a completely different state. Last semester I dealt with depression, because it was the first time I was ever living away from home. I went to see one of the counselors on campus.
Right before college, I dealt with social anxiety. I went to see a counselor at home a month or two before college. It went well.
So being away for college has been a massive change in my life and I have been struggling with it. I really didn't have friends before college, but now I do and I'm grateful for them.
Something that I was never prepared for in college was crushes. Growing up, I rarely had a crush on people I knew. I was always attracted to older actors. I don't know, that was just what I wanted. I mean I still find myself attracted to some older men.
But I also have some crushes on guys my age, and a girl. YES. I had a crush on a girl last semester. I had US History with her and I thought she was cute, but this semester, I have not had any feelings for her.
I also crushed on one of my best friends. He was the light in my life during the worst times of my depression. I am so lucky to have him in my life still. I don't think I have anymore romantic feelings for him. I mean last semester and the beginning of this semester was bad. I had a few dreams regarding him.
- The first dream consisted of me turning down Marc Anthony to spend time with said friend which I had a crush on.
- Another dream was of my "perfect" life, which meant I was married/or just living with said friend and we were in love and I was also the director of a museum.
- Then there was a dream when that friend left to go to the other side of the country and it left me broken.
- There was a dream when we weren't even dating or anything, but I wound up being the surrogate mother of his child.
- Lastly, there was a short and simple dream of my just signing my name and putting his last name instead of my own.
There has not been any dreams since then and I don't feel like I am crushing on him anymore.
REMINDER: No one can control who they crush on
So Gods forbid any of said crushes ever see this, LEAVE ME ALONE
Currently at the moment, I am crushing on this guy, I have never had a full conversation with him, but he's in my college's production of Hair, and being that I'm a crew member, I have to see him three times a week.
To be honest, having a crush on him is self explanatory. He is attractive. He could sing. According to my friend who has several other classes with him and worked in a play with him last semester, he's not a fuckboy, so that's good.
Gods forbid he ever finds this blog post. I just pray he doesn't track it back to me. It won't be that hard. There's only four of us on crew.
ANYWAY this crush is weird. Because last semester when I first "met" this guy, my friends all thought he was gay. Being that I don't have working "gaydar" I assumed with them and moved on. Even though I thought he was cute. One of my friends in my friend group had a crush on him and we were trying to find out his name. I saw him when I was doing laundry and I asked him his name. After that I left and forgot to introduce myself. Whether he remembers that or not is whatever, but I'm still embarrassed about it. My friend, who acted with him in a play, last semester, told me that he was straight, but I didn't crush on him. I just thought he was attractive. I heard him sing at an open mic, last semester, and let me just say CHRIST ALMIGHTY.
So now I have a huge crush on him and honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. Like I haven't been able to write. And today, my friend was showing me who she found on Tindr while we were in the Dinning Commons and he popped up and I lost my appetite, which I don't understand why that happened, but it did.
I don't know how to crush. My mom said I should talk to him, but honestly, with my anxiety, I'd probably die if that happened. Unless he started the conversation first.
My theater major friend who acted with said crush last semester and is also acting in Hair, has told me that the guy's type is cute hipster girls.
Which I am not. Like at all. I'm not cute. And I'm not a hipster. I wish I was both, but I'm not.
My friend keeps telling me that I am a hipster, but I'm not.
This is one of the worst crushes I've ever had and I hate it. I hate it with a passion.
Life was so much easier when I only crushed on my old rock stars and all I cared about was when Marc Anthony's next album was coming out.
To said crush, if you ever see this and you know who I am, never mention this, unless you are interested in a relationship. In that case, do you.
No comments:
Post a Comment